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GREG GUTFELD: Most of us have eclipse sickness year-round, except we call it Joe Biden's America

OpinionGREG GUTFELD: Most of us have eclipse sickness year-round, except we call it Joe Biden's America

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Happy Monday, everybody. So as you’ve probably already heard earlier today, the big solar eclipse took place. It hit Washington D.C. at 3:30, interrupting Joe Biden’s dinner. Nancy Pelosi also watched the eclipse, but she had no choice. She hasn’t been able to close your eyes since 2004. During the eclipse, it was so dark in Manhattan that New Yorkers had to announce when they gave each other the finger. True, it was so black outside New Yorkers had no idea who they were urinating on. According to the New York Post, many people reported eclipse sickness– plagued by weird feelings, headaches and insomnia. Well, you should be so lucky. Most of us have eclipse sickness year round, except we call it Joe Biden’s America.

By the way, I actually got a picture of the eclipse on my smartphone. Here it is now. Not that one. This one. Take a look. Yeah. It’s amazing, don’t you think? You think maybe I took a picture of my pocket, but no, that’s the actual eclipse. All right, enough of that crap. 

A Kentucky man has admitted to faking his own death to avoid paying over a hundred grand in child support. Man, was his sister pissed. I agree. This weekend, Hamas supporters in Michigan chanted, “Death to America!” Meanwhile, Michigan supporters in Gaza chanted, “Go Wolverines!” 

A new report claims that Turkey is the most promiscuous country in the world, with the average person having slept with 14 people, beating America by four partners. I tried my best, said one man. The U.S. placed 13th on the list and would have placed as high as second, but Madonna was not included in the study. True, researchers say the average American has slept with about 10 people. Wow. Still waiting for my first, said one man. Actually, the precise number for Americans was 10.7 sexual partners. Point seven. That means a lot of people bang Danny DeVito. All right, we’re done with that. 

MSNBC SILENT AS JOY REID CONTINUE PATTERN OF CONTROVERSIAL AND BIZZARE REMARKS

Last week, Joy Reid interviewed a so-called cult expert on her so-called TV show, and both agreed Trumpism is a cult, which might be the most predictable result since Hunter Biden’s STD test came back as “all of the above.” I can’t wait until next week with Joy. Ask Ilhan Omar if she’s bringing a date to her family reunion. Roll it, Sven. 

CULT EXPERT: The good news is it’s not permanent. And people wake up, and they are embarrassed and ashamed, as I felt in 1976. But more and more people are leaving the MAGA cult. It’s important that people not just yell at people who are still trapped in this delusion. Ask questions in a respectful, curious way that gets them to start realizing they’ve been conned and that their minds have been hijacked.

JOY REID: Trump has reached that point where he’s done that pivot from saying that he’s leading a movement of believers to saying that the belief should be in him, that he is the Messiah.

This from a lady who’s wearing a Trump wig. Sorry, Junior. This was you, pre-Trump; this is you now. Someone’s hairstylist is definitely MAGA. 

So the interviewee and the interviewer seem satisfied with this conclusion, for it absolved them of understanding why or how people think differently than they do. In this case, with their brains. Now, if Joy says Trumpism is a cult, then I say, what a terrible cult it must be because it violates every single tenant of a cult. 

There’s no abuse, no isolation from family, no weird sex rituals. Unless you count shouting, “you’re fired” during lovemaking. But MAGA heads know what’s going on outside MAGA world, and they freely move in and out of it. And they have no problems dealing with people who aren’t into Trump.

For instance, your uncle in the red cap still loves his half-baked niece with the purple hair. The feelings are not mutual until she needs a loan to pay off her seventh year at Wellesley. A Texan in a pickup truck with a Trump sticker will pull over to help a woman change her tire on her, “I’m with her” bumper sticker Prius, but the reverse? I wouldn’t bet on it, mainly because the Prius driver lacks the upper body strength. Try asking a Manhattan liberal for directions if you’re wearing a MAGA cap. They’ll tell you where to go, and it won’t be to the Empire State Building. The fact is, Dems today don’t know what a Trumper believes. They don’t mix with people outside their bubble, which is how the bubble ends up sounding like this.

TIKTOK VIDEO: The orange man. The orange man like this. He is going to take away your Social Security, and a lot of you are…He’s going to take away your health care because the kids right now until they’re 26 can be on their parents health care. And the orange man wants to stop that… 

And that’s not a cult? That makes a Harikrishnas look like H&R Block. But libs assumed the worst, not the best in the people they disagree with, for it beats being surprised and shaken out of their own cult. 

Now, those are those of us who aren’t progressives are forced to deal with this dynamic daily. For our culture demands it. We are in the minority in entertainment, media and academia, so we know their arguments well before we even know ours. We’re so used to libs yelling in our faces, we can still smell the almond milk, but because we’re often outnumbered, we’re more than aware of different beliefs and we’ve learned to accept them. So Trumpers know the outside world as opposed to the reverse. 

The libs’ only interaction with Trumpers these days is when they pay their plumber or scream at their driver. A perfect example. According to data, liberals are less likely to accept dating a conservative, even one who looks like me, but a conservative will date a liberal and not just because they’re easy. Maybe because conservatives see politics as a small part of life, where liberals see it as a foundation. A conservative realizes that politics isn’t as important as a human connection. And so the liberal will show you their BLM signs, rainbow flags and coexist bumper stickers. But tolerance? That’s harder to find than Rob Reiner’s jawline. 

CONSERVATIVES DISTURBED BY CLINTON’S CALL FOR ‘DEPROGRAMMING’ TRUMP SUPPORTERS: ‘PURE AUTHORITARIANISM’ 

But as for Trump himself, there’s never been a candidate who’s blurred so many lines. He’s pretty much middle of the road. It’s just that he states his positions with all the delicacy of a toaster thrown into a bathtub. So he says, build a wall. Well, since when was controlled legal immigration just hard right? It’s the rise of the “No Borders” crowd on the left that made it that way. It was Bill Clinton who first started building border walls, though he settled for an electric fence that keeps Hillary on her side of the house. It’s the same with crime. Since when is it political to want to put criminals in jail? I guess that would be right around the time when the left decided that that was criminal. 

So who’s in a cult, really? Who’s othering the other side? We hear about siloing of beliefs, but for us, it’s not by choice. Most righties leave where they aren’t wanted. You see this now with men in the Democratic Party. They aren’t joining a cult. They’re leaving one that deems men terminally oppressive. Now, true some men are unsavory. Disgusting even. But current data shows that every day, working men are fleeing the Dems. The media says it’s mostly Black and Hispanic, but that’s because most of the Whites already bailed. The men still stuck in the Democratic Party are there because if they leave, their wives will have their balls in a sling. I know. I hear it feels bad. Some, of course, fear losing their jobs. 

But for the last seven years, men whose spouses despise Trump have been forced into the same position. You’ve seen this with men who weren’t always anti-Trump. And then, mysteriously, they were. The good analogy is the boss. Your wife might find him rude or egotistical, but you overlook that stuff because you know he’s great at running the company. Which, in Trump’s case, is America Incorporated. 

But he just said something rude to the waiter, your wife might say, and you just nod because you know tomorrow he’ll make sure the company hits its numbers. And by the way, he paid for dinner, of course. So what does the Republican Party do with this info? Well, if the Dems have all but abandoned men, shouldn’t the other party embrace this shift with open arms?

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‘GUTFELD!’ SONG: The left will try to shame you for just being yourself. They act like masculinity is bad for your health. But we can’t help our instinct to protect and provide. Yeah, liberals would prefer we be more feminized. So don’t be a b***. Make the switch! Grand Old Party!

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