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Happy Tuesday, everybody. So Apple just debuted its Vision Pro headset. It’s their spatial computing device that looks like a stupidly thick pair of nerdy ski goggles for people with no friends. Apparently, the original name was the Kilmeade. But it’s actually a very powerful computer that lets you do lots of cool and exciting stuff like surf the web, watch movies, check your emails, access all your apps. And it’s already selling out after getting 200,000 preorders. It retails for $3,500, the same price I sell a dinner with Greg Gutfeld, where fans can buy me food and sit quietly while I eat. Yeah, it’s a win-win, but at $3,500 bucks, it is a bit pricey even for me, and I put my dog’s poop in Gucci bags. Anyway, here’s what it looks like from the perspective of a user who’s wearing them. This is what he sees. He’s looking down at his fingers, typing on a keyboard that’s not there and scrolling through screens that aren’t there either. And now here’s that same person on the New York City subway. Look at him. It’s amazing he survived.
Why not just wear a sign that says, “Dismember me, harvest my internal organs, and sell them to organized crime in Singapore?” But even if you aren’t murdered, you’re definitely not screwable. Maybe that’s Apple’s ultimate goal to get us to stop having sex, which will result in less people and thereby saving the planet. Now, the Vision Pro might actually be amazing, but so is a CPAP machine, and you don’t see people in public with that strapped to their face. It would be cool, though. Of course, while wearing the goggles you can still see what’s going around you, but with the added benefit of looking silly typing motions in thin air. It’s a look that says maybe I’m conducting an orchestra or having a seizure, and only my neurologist knows for sure. But essentially, the real world becomes a backdrop to what a laptop screen filled with crap is, and it’s strapped to your face. To you, it’s magical. But here’s what you look like to everybody else. That’s what’s known in medical terms as a douchebag. He looks like someone who went to the Men’s Wearhouse and didn’t like the way he looked.
So now we’re getting video of people trying the gizmo out. Here’s a dude wearing the Apple Vision Pro behind the wheel of a Cybertruck. The worst thing that could go wrong there is that he survives. You know after watching these clips I’m starting to think I’d rather be Amish. You don’t see those farmers riding virtual buggies, churning virtual milk or banging virtual goats.
Meanwhile, users are already reporting symptoms of simulator sickness like nausea, dizziness and headaches. Here’s a tip – save three grand and watch Fox and Friends instead. It’s a good show. Meanwhile, other users are upset that the Vision Pro doesn’t play any virtual reality porn. Give it time, Dana. Disgusting. But I see a far bigger obstacle to this catching on. No one wants to look this stupid. And man, does this make you look stupid. Fact is, Steve Jobs would never make something this uncool. Mainly because he’s dead, but also because he knew that people appreciate design as much as they do function. But rather than crap all over this product, we decided to do our own research. So we sent Joe Machi out into the field to test the Vision Pro. Take it away, Joe.
“GUTFELD!” SKIT: Hey, Joe, what are you doing?
I’m masturbating. Hey, wait for me!
[SOUND OF CAR CRASH].
Wow. He’s old. That’s all I got from it. Well, anyway, if you want to look stupid. Fine. I really don’t care. But it’s not about just looks. It’s about life. If you’re that bored with the real world and can’t go 30 seconds without checking your email or the latest tweet, then why bother living? Vision Pro doesn’t enhance life, it replaces it. For it gives us more of exactly what we don’t need and that’s isolation. It’s high-tech social distancing. You may as well live in Alaska with Jamie. We’re already distracting ourselves to death. We’re already removing ourselves from the real world and retreating into the fantasy land of the internet, where Keith Olbermann thinks he’s still alive.
It’s no wonder no one cares who’s president or what war we’re fighting, or who’s coming into the country. We have bread and circuses, but we don’t even get that. We get pictures of bread and circuses. So instead of looking at your phone, most of the time, you now close yourself off from reality all of the time. You won’t see the criminals following you or the crowds laughing at you. Worse, you’ll be more alone than ever. It’s not virtual reality, it’s a fake life. The world’s most expensive birth control. A digital universe that’s giving you the finger.