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GREG GUTFELD: Is the Secret Service pretending to suck at its job in order to protect the Biden family?

OpinionGREG GUTFELD: Is the Secret Service pretending to suck at its job in order to protect the Biden family?

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All right, let’s do it. The Secret Service is stumped by this baggie of bump. There you go. Remember when somebody left a bag of cocaine in the White House? And remember how the Secret Service evacuated the West Wing and closed off the streets surrounding the White House? Initially, everybody thought Joe had once again left a floater in the men’s room. Then remember how one of President Biden’s precious children was staying in that taxpayer-funded facility at the time because Joe wanted to keep the impressionable youngster away from bad influences? Or at the very least, hide him from process servers. And remember how Karine Jean-Pierre got really, really angry that the press kept even asking about it, even though she didn’t want to talk about it. 

REPORTER: Can you say once and for all whether or not the cocaine belonged to the Biden family? 

KJP: You know, there has been some irresponsible reporting about the family. And so I got to call that out here. I was clear two days ago when talking about this over and over… The Biden family was not here. So to ask that question is actually incredibly irresponsible. And I’ll just leave it there. 

Wow. The way she’s reacting, I’m starting to believe maybe she sold it to Hunter. You know, press secretaries don’t get paid that much. It’s true. During the Bush administration, Dana Perino was selling injectable butt implants on the turnpike. Her street name was derriere, Dana. You also remember how the Secret Service claimed they had no idea who left the blow inside the most secure building in the world? That’s harder to swallow than Jeffrey Dahmer’s potluck meatloaf. Come on, people. That’s tasteless? But it’s like asking who is the hottest late night talk show host. The answer’s right in front of you. Well, that big cocaine headache has returned. The White House released new pics of that pesky pouch of powder. And as you can see, the culprit didn’t just drop the bag of happy dust all willy nilly. It was stored in a locker for cell phones. It was locker number 50, to be precise, which is most likely unlocked with some sort of key. That’s what the little keyhole is for. I learned that by watching Law and Order and also when I hide in the Planet Fitness locker room. 


So I got an idea. Why not find out who has the key to locker number 50, right? I’m no Nancy Drew, although I can rock a plaid skirt. But if you find the person with the key to that locker, you’re one step closer to finding the owner of that nose candy. But who in the world could be that forgetful to leave a bag of coke behind? You know, Cavuto made the same point today. You’ll always remember our cocaine and forget our cell phone, not the reverse. I’m joking, it wasn’t Cavuto. But what will this unknown culprit misplace next? A laptop? According to the Secret Service, they could only narrow down the suspects to 500 people, despite all their surveillance cameras and other state of the art security. They just couldn’t figure out who it was. So they closed the case in just 11 days, the same amount of time it takes Joe to find his way offstage. 

White House cocaine photo

A photo of the baggy of cocaine discovered in the White House on July 2. (U.S. Secret Service)

So here are the suspects so far, based on the symptoms we know about cocaine abuse or use. Well, it leads to aggressive behavior like a certain bitey dog named Commander. I know. It can also lead to extreme weight loss. Or perhaps deterioration in hygiene habits. And you can’t count out those who are constantly laughing and dancing. And, you know, some might say she’s a doctor, which is a perfect cover for running a drug ring. How about dilated pupils and nonstop gibberish? And don’t forget excessive lying. And of course, there’s all this sniffling and sniffing. But there’s someone we know it can’t be. Absolutely, it’s not him. No way. Don’t even think about it. No, seriously, knock it off. Anyway, here’s one reason why it might not have been Hunter’s coke. According to a Secret Service report obtained by the Daily Mail, testing showed that the cocaine was cut with baking soda. You know, you got to think Hunter bucks up for the pure stuff am I right? 


We know he can afford it. True, this coke was more stepped on than an American flag at a college protest. So other than these new pictures, why are we revisiting this story? Well, by way of comparison, the feds are still tracking down people who entered the Capitol building on January 6, 2021. That was almost three years ago. But the feds are still on the case, which means they’re probably innocent. Think about it. It’s why they don’t chase rich Democrats for their crimes. Because what do you do when you find out that they’re guilty? You do nothing. You can’t. Your hands are tied. It’s just better to chase Trump supporters instead and then lock them up. So they nailed the guy who put up his feet on Pelosi’s desk, but not the criminal mastermind who left a bag of coke in the White House? 

White House cocaine photo

A photo of the baggy of cocaine discovered in the White House on July 2. (U.S. Secret Service)

It’s amazing what the government can accomplish with the proper motivation and what they can specifically avoid doing, especially when they’re given the order to stand down. The Secret Service used to be the one federal agency everybody could trust. They have the toughest job in the world, putting their lives on the line to protect the president. They have to swear to take a bullet for someone, which is what I expect from Kilmeade when we’re out in public together. 


But now they seem like they’re bumbling around trying to solve the simplest crimes. Either those agents really are incompetent, or they’re just pretending to suck at their job in order to protect the Biden family. Which likelihood is worse? One thing is for sure: Hunter isn’t losing any sleep over this. I wonder why.

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